Today a friend called me. She was sad, very confused, feeling lost and asked for my help. (Rest assured, she authorized me to tell her story here - so you guys can give her a hand - as long as I did not quote names)
She has been married for almost 20 years. The marriage was stale, without major upheavals, the children studying, her and her husband working. Nothing unusual. Life as so many other lives. She felt her relationship could be moreexciting, but not she did not do anything about it. Inertia is shit.
Suddenly, her world turned upside down.
She discovered that her husband was unfaithful - a mere business transaction, he told her (prostitutes, maybe?) And he also told her he developped feelings for another woman, but nothing had happened (yet).
He said he wanted to "fix" the marriage. He said he was sorry and he loved her.
She, not knowing what to do, began to blame herself. She thought if he wanted other women, it meant she was not being interesting / funny / pretty / sexy enough.
After the shock, she realized that something was wrong, it could not be all her fault, after all it takes two to dance. The way she saw him, changed. He lost the charm, lost its luster, lost much of his glamour. He became an ordinary man.
And he said he was making great progress, that the mere fact that he told her about all the indiscretions, proved his love for her.
He swore he no longer cared for the other woman. He said he wants the firework back in the relationship. He told her he wants to stay with her for the next 40 years ...
He claimed to be his first offense in almost 20 years.
And she, who did not go anywhere, who did not leave him, accepted the gamble.
But his glamour was gone. She was no longer sad, or mad. She was feeling empty.
And now he is saying she is not giving a real chance to the relationship, she is not trying, she is not lettinng go, she is not forgiving. And he wants a real opportunity to make things work for them. He wants her to try too.
She thought she was giving her best, but she felt confused, wondering if this could be true. Considering if she was boycotting their chances of happiness ...
I have been married for almost 16 years (our wedding anniversary is next Friday), and I am fresh out of a crisis myself, so, I did not know what to say, so i decided to ask for YOUR oppinion.
Oi Inaie! Você fala português?
ResponderExcluirFelicidade! Um beijo, Jôka
Difícil esta situação querida amiga. Também sou casada há 21 anos e nunca enfrentei este tipo de problema. Aconselhar é difícil, ela terá que pensar e decidir.
ResponderExcluirUm grande bj querida amiga e um lindo dia das mães para ti.
I'm very inexperienced in relationships, but my suggestion would be to look at the situation from the perspective of respect.
ResponderExcluir1) Has she lost respect for this man?
2) Does she want to rebuild that respect?
If she answers no to both questions, and can't see a time when she would, then I think that it might be time to go. If you don't respect someone any more, it's going to be very hard to love them and care for them, and they will become increasingly frustrated. It's all well and good that he pledges to put in a lot of effort to get through, but if she doesn't feel she can do likewise - for good reasons of course - she probably shouldn't try.
If, on the other hand, she DOES want to respect him again and loves enough about him to work at it with him, then I say give it a go. Whatever the case, I wish them both all the best!