Another day my husband said that while many people have high walls to protect themselves, I live with my emotions and feelings exposed.Whatever I feel, it will be all over my face, my gestures, my aura. I am transparent. You look at me and it is all there. What you see is what you get. I have nothing to hide.
Good? You really think it is a good thing? It is only good in theory. In practice, there is nothing good about it.
If someone comes and asks:
- Hi there! How are things?
I really do. No joke.
And when people ask more specific questions, I feel like a liar if I do not respond. Honestly. And I hate, loathe, despise lies and liars.
This commitment to truth is crap and I do not know where it came from, I did not look for it, but here it is.
- Inaie, what did you think of my dress?
If I liked it, breathe relieved. If I did not like the darn think, I am screwed, because the answer will end up being more or less like this:
- I found it ugly / vulgar / unfashionable / cheesy / made for someone 20 years younger or 30 kg lighter.
- Inaie, jane Doe is a sweetheart, uh?
The simple "uh" followed by a question mark is enough for me. And I once again pray for that girl to really be a sweetheart, because if not I will just explain why I disagree.
Lack of emotional intelligence?
Probably all of the above and many others "qualities" ... I will give you guys a pause for feedback ... come on, feel free to abuse the crap out of me.
People keep telling me how "authentic", "honest", "direct" I am, but I know what they are really trying to tell me. But they are not brave enough to do so.
A nice girl once asked me:
- How would you describe me?
- You are nice.
- NOOOOOO, you do not understand. It is not nice to be nice. Who on Earth would like to be "nice"?
As soon as I said it, I realized the crap I said, but it was already too late to retrieve the words.
This incident happened over 6 years ago, and last week the poor little "nice" girl asked a common friend:
I have not seen Inaie for over 5 years, but I know she does not like me. I only do not know why ...
Darling, I don't like people that can be only described as nice. Where is the sparkle, the fun? Where?
I can spend the rest of the year here, counting and recounting the shitty situations put myself into, in name of this so called authenticity, but I decided to spare you all.
Does anyone here knows the antidote for that?